Girls are so emotional.

juustincaarlo:

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people.

Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with…and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong.

There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person.

I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it?

When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work.

And it’ll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re in a committed relationship, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us.

But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your bond when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about them every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s taken. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple…find them

Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”

Because that’s how it goes. 
You win some, you loose some. 
But if I have to vy for your affection, I’d rather not have it. 
At least that’s what my head is saying. 

My heart tells a different story. 
One that’s feelin you, and vibin with you, 
And wondering what it looks like through your eyes. 
And wondering, what brought you here, 
What made you the way you are, 
Wondering, wandering into every crevice of your soul. 
Until I’m so lost in the dark depths of it that I can’t find my way out. 
So entwined that I don’t want to find my way out. 

But I don’t even know where this started, 
Because just like that, 
I get reminded that it’s nothing but fantasy, 
That wants to become reality.

Is this you? And is this true?

Karma is bullshit. Why do bad things always happen to good people? 

• Play basketball
• Mission Peak
• Road trip
• See my ND girls
• Dye my hair
• Dance party with Elise, just Elise. YES.sssssss.
• A legitly good clubbing night
• Confession before New Year’s
• Go to a show in SF

More to come. 

I just need some unattached, unemotional attention to get rid of the emptiness. Because it’s really happening this time and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I know what I want but I’m too scared. Fear is getting the best of me. Fear of hurting him again and fear of getting hurt again.

Am I really trying to put myself through this again? I’m reading all the pain and anger I had towards you and all the resentment that made my heart heavy. It’s months later and I can say I’m happy at times not having that on my mind but I can’t help but feel for you still. Am I willing to risk the hurt again? I don’t want this to fuck me over because I don’t think I could handle it again.

I had a bag packed with underwear and clothes and stuff at the dorm but I ended up at home packing a bag. Then I was with tita nina and peacher. Mom and dad were somewhere else for some reason and we all knew what was coming. I called mom and she kept saying they were at Mount Sinai because they thought it would be the safest place. I think they were on some kind of cruise and the cruise brought them there because they bought a whole chain of islands. When I cried and begged her to come with us on the spaceship she kept refusing. I never begged and pleaded to her so much. I cried and cried and screamed and she just kept saying no. She said she wouldn’t be there when they asked for her attendance at Mount Saini, but I kept saying she wouldn’t be there anyway because she’s with us right now. We were at tita nina’s house and I called her again asking if I could at least see her before we left. She came with dad and I couldn’t do anything but cry and scream. I was so mad and scared at the same time. I asked if I could go back home to pack some more clothes because I only brought a few things with me. We rode in the blue van and peacher couldn’t really make the turn for some reason. Then when we stopped my mom and dad got out and tried to catch the Paranassus bus on capitol and ocala, but only my mom got on and my dad got left because it was too full. She wouldn’t answer my calls and I kept saying I’m going to kill myself if she doesn’t come. I have never been so scared and angry at the same time. Why wouldn’t she just come with us?

I wish I had this.

I think I’m just stuck in a rut. And I’m tired of the same damn cycle. I get it. Life comes with so many damn emotions that it’s not like you can just feel one thing your whole life. Yeah, blah blah I know. But damn, it’s always the same damn thing. I get on a high, and as soon as all the distractions are over, I fall back into the same rut. I’m stuck here, and I don’t know how to pull myself out. These past two weeks have just been so draining. No sleep, things not happening as planned, not hearing the news I want, and just not feeling good enough. What is this? Why can’t I feel better about things? I just want to feel wanted, needed, and indispensably loved. Not even in the sense of an intimate relationship but in the sense that people want me around. I know I can do better than you, I don’t want to be cocky, but our relationship just wasn’t making me happy anymore but once I let go, I feel like I’m never going to find anyone who wants me. I’m just wandering like a lost soul not able to find my way back home. I’m just left standing. In the dark. Alone. 

This summer is going to be the same way. Stuck at home. Alone. No one. Nothing. Empty.

They are fading much slower than they came but fading none the less. Things will never happen between us and I think I have accepted that at this point. I’m just not your type. Even though I was attracted to you at first sight, that doesn’t change the fact that you’re not at all interested or even attracted. Not fair at all, but I guess that is life. I’m definitely not your usual type but I want to show you how much I can give you.

Why do I fucking beat myself up over this. I can’t leave that conversation feeling empowered or enlightened, just not good enough and uglier than ever. I want to believe I’m worth the effort but if no one makes the effort how am I supposed to feel? I just feel empty and I know I shouldn’t because I have so much going for me in other places. What the fuck am I supposed to do.

Its so hard to just say no; to say I’m just not interested and to turn my back on any opportunity I have to get closer to you. It’s a challenge not to have some kind of attraction towards you despite all the things people tell me and all the things I hear. I know I’m just getting out of something right now but nothing is wrong with moving forward with good intentions and honest feelings, no rebounds, no pity, nothing but honest attraction. Is it so bad that I don’t have the confidence to think that you would be at least a little interested? Like I said, I got you, but I don’t want to be stuck in the friend zone. I just don’t know how to go about this and not make a fool of myself. It’s too difficult because I’m not the kind to pursue things just for the hell of it and I don’t plan on changing that. From what we talked about tonight, it seems like we have the same goals to look forward to but I don’t want to get my hopes up because I know that I’m probably just another one of those girls. If there is one thing I don’t want to be, it is that. I don’t want to be just another girl or another friend. I want you to realize how much I have to offer, how much my effort goes and how much I would want to be someone important in your life.

Overthinking things has always been my down fall so maybe I have made this waaaay more complicated in my head than it really is. Should I just take the risk this time and say how I feel or should I keep from making a fool of myself risking the feeling of regret from words left unsaid. Why can’t I just have the confidence to ask you myself and keep the possibility of you actulky being interested. Why am I doing this to myself.

Every guy has heard or read it somewhere. But why does it seem like you’re clueless. Just because you have the security in your mind that I’m here now doesn’t mean I’ll stick around forever. I haven’t felt anything lately. I don’t get the urge to kiss you passionately like I used to. I don’t feel attracted. I don’t feel the butterflies that drew me to you. I don’t know what it is. But I’m just lonely and if you knew all of this, then I’d be even more alone. I don’t have people to help me through this if I do let go. But I deserve more. I don’t know what the hell I am supposed to do.

I’m starting to feel the fakeness in my smile. I can feel myself forcing it out just to appear happy on the outside, but in reality, I’m screaming for help on the inside. I can’t stand it. I feel like I’m always sad about something, just empty on the inside, crying out for something but I don’t know what it is. It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest crushing every bone in my body along with my drive, spirit, and emotion. I just can’t kick the feeling and I’m scared it’s starting to show. I’ve seen so much shit in my life, heard things that burn my ears, endured shit that no one should ever have to. I put up with it because I find no other way and I handle my shit because no one else will. I’ve built up a wall so high that no one can get in and I can’t get out. I fear that it is finally crumbling down and I can’t hold onto this anymore.

I’m over it. I’m done with you. I’m finished.

I hope.

And your words are the cheapest. You really ought to learn how to watch what you say and who you say it to because you just a fat walking contradiction. And g’damn, you act like you’re the greatest thing to roll into my life when in reality I’m just doing you a favor. You don’t miss me. You never really do. And it doesn’t fucking matter that I’m finally home with all the free time in the world because you don’t even want to take advantage of that. I even tell you to come kick it with me because this is the last time I have for the next couple weeks, but does that even fucking matter? No, you just claim that you’re used to not seeing me. In my opinion and probably every other sane person out there, that’s probably a reason to want to come see me. I get you got shit to do, but really, you don’t even make the fucking effort anymore. Have we forgotten what who we are and why we’re here? Because this shit is getting tiring. Why can’t you just let me go or at least be consistent because every time I try to come back and decide to try and look past things, you fuck up all over again. I’m not what you say I am and you’re not who I thought you were. Is this the point at which I should just walk away? How can I? I always just feel alone after without my girls knowing what’s going on and no one else to talk to about things.

I wish I was in her shoes. I just want something new and different. We could have that if you let me show you. I want you to see how down I am for you and how much I have to offer. I just want a chance or a hint that you’re down to work things out. She has you now though, you’re hers and I have no chance. I may not be the prettiest girl and I might be really shy, but I’m so down. I could give so much and be there for you all the time. I’m smart and I’d know a good thing if I had it so you wouldn’t have to worry about things. I’d take care of you.

I wasn’t looking for a gdamn motivational talk. I know what I’m capable of so you don’t need to tell me that. I just needed to vent. No need to be fucking deep and inspirational and shit because it just looks like you’re trying to damn hard and it’s actually quite annoying. Fuck, you need to calm your ass down because you’re not some kind of superman and goodness knows you wouldn’t be able to rescue me.

you’re no help. you say all this shit and you really don’t know what you’re doing. you say you’re always there if I need you but that, as I already knew is a lie. you’re unreliable and you never follow through.

crushes:

And sometimes, when I’m not too busy being angry or strong or even happy for letting you go, I just feel sad. Because I miss you.

Just watched the “starry night” episode of Boy Meets World where Topanga and Cory are broken up and through a series of events figure out that they truly love each other. I don’t really know, but it made me really miss him. I’m hella confused right now. I don’t know what to do about it and what would be the right decision. USF doesn’t have much to offer but I know there could be other options out there. He and I have been through so much considering the last three and a half years but there are just some qualities that I look for that I can’t find in him. It’s not fair to change someone and I don’t want to take away from his life, but I can’t stay with someone that can’t support me, take charge, and have initiative. I want to meet someone with initiative, direction and ambition in his life. I always thought that college would be the place to meet someone with the qualities I find attractive, but things aren’t looking too great right now. College isn’t what I thought it would be and the people aren’t who I thought they were. The only thing keeping me going is that this is a really good school and the opportunity of a lifetime has been set before me. I just don’t know where I’m going with my life right now when it comes to being social and relationships. Sometimes I think it might be easier to just keep in isolation, but that’s just too damn depressing and the thoughts I’ve been meaning to suppress might come back up.